I know I am not the only one who has noticed that our kids have become sassy, grumpy, and dissatisfied in general, and this has a positive correlation with the amount of time they spend watching t.v., playing with parents' phones, ipads, playstations, etc.
It's time we admit that screens are addictive and counter-productive to becoming the happy, social creatures we humans are meant to be. This is especially so for our kids. I can't tell you how many times this summer I witnessed kids sitting together at tables, in parks, at peoples' houses. They are playing on their devices but not talking to each other.
In fun situations, they are not having fun because they are not getting their technology fix. Instead, they are giving their parents the stink eye and pouting. They know exactly how to get our attention, too. Some scream until we get embarrassed and give in, others cry and have a fit, still others just fume and silently hate us.
And then we give in. Why is it so hard for us to stick to our instinct (which clearly states that the phone or ipad is getting in the way of normal behavior). Do we really fear our children's wrath so much? Is this how we think we are earning their love?
Yes, it's our fault, parents. We can't say no. It is easier to say yes. We want to talk to our friends, we can't bear the thought of our little sweeties getting bored, we think we have to keep them entertained at all times and at all costs. We feel guilty for a million other things, and we want our children to love us.
But this, my friends, is not how we communicate love. We have to stop equating giving kids everything they want with love and acceptance. We have to be a strong point of reference that protects our children from things we know are harmful. Our kids love us more when we create security and protect them. We are not the same. Just because we look at our phones all the time does not mean that our kids have the right to do the same. (We should also cut down, by the way).
It's back to school time and the teacher in me is coming out to give orders. It's time for me to give you permission to do what your kids will hate, but will give you inner peace sometime in the future because you know you are doing the right thing. What we need to do is create a NEW CULTURE in the house.
It's time to snuff out the bad habit of not allowing our kids to get bored (which leads to creativity and a simpler, healthier kind of playing and happiness).
If your kids have not gone back to school yet, you can already start. Get into the habit of being a mean mom or dad (and reap the benefits). Here is how.
Create some new rules.
1. No T.V. or electronic devices during the week.
At my house, we parents also don't watch t.v. during the week, which we think takes away valuable time from talking, reading, and doing other things together. The first week is hard. The second week is heavenly.
2. Teach kids what time means the tough way.
Saturdays became ALL ABOUT T.V. when we stopped watching during the week, so I added another rule. For every hour of t.v. (or tech) you have to complete a nature walk with your mother (I can use the exercise) before the weekend is through. When Sweetie watched 2.5 hours of t.v. we ended up doing a 9-mile walk the same day. You can bet her hunger for t.v. cooled after that!
3. Just say NO!
A kid not getting their way in the short term is painful for them and for you. It is counter-intuitive but when you say no to harmful habits and behaviors and create positive routines as a result your children will love you MORE, not less!
Your kid may talk like an adult at times, but she is not. She is a kid. She does not get to make all of the decisions. She can make some of them. Also, kids automatically say no to what they are not familiar with. If you want to try a new experience that you know your child will love, make the decision in her best interest. Do not get her permission first!
4. Let them get bored.
When we were little, our parents sent us outside to play when we drove them nuts. Sometimes they locked us out to make sure we stayed out there. We don't do that to kids nowadays, but the idea is clear. You as a parent are not responsible for making sure your kid is entertained at all times. If you keep the t.v. off and do something else (like make dinner or clean out your sock drawer), chances are your kid will do something amazingly adorable (like help you make dinner or clean out her sock drawer or make you a beautiful piece of art or write in her diary). The key is she has to get to the point of boredom.
My friend Monica loves to tell kids that in French (and in Italian) Being bored is a reflexive verb, as in "I bore myself" Je m'ennuie, Mi annoio. So, happily point out (when the complaining begins) that boring yourself is a choice and she has all the tools to fix it.
A quick reminder:
Doing the right thing takes courage. You will feel pressure not only from your children and other family members but you quickly see that other parents do not share your courage. This will make you feel terrible as you go out for dinner with another couple and their child who is happily playing on mom's phone while yours is looking at you with that pleading look of desperation. Yes, these moments are hard, but, if you stick to your guns, it will be your child who comes to you later to say.
"Wow, were those kids boring. They were on their phones the whole time!"
Good luck and STAY COURAGEOUS, parents! We are in this together.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Living the Elementary Green Dream!
I have to say I am quite impressed with what kids learn in school in Trieste from an early age. Earth day is not really a THING here like it is in the States, but there is an emphasis on living the green life every day.
My sweetie is in first grade and here is how she's learning to live the green dream.
1. Kids wear a smock over their clothes.
In her school the girls and the boys wear the same color: dark blue. The kids know that when they put them on they are in SCHOOL and not at Home, or at Grandma's house, and they act accordingly. On a green level, they are protecting their clothes and therefore less washing needs to go on at home (and thank God for that, as most of us here have no dryer, also green, even if I still miss having one sometimes).
2. Kids bring slippers to school.
They have their outside shoes and their inside shoes. This keeps their classrooms and common areas cleaner, therefore less need for heavy-duty harsh chemicals.
3. Kids grow a garden with their teachers.
They have a little plot of land about a 5 minute walking distance from their school. They plant all kinds of goodies and get to see them grow. They also see where their food comes from and have the opportunity to see a project through its entire cycle. This week they are beginning their "Fruits and Vegetables" project. There is a dietician coming to meet with parents and explain how parents can support it at home. For now, we got a note reminding us to have lots of fruits and veggies on hand and talk about them with our kids.
4. Kids leave a cloth napkin at school.
They use it all week for their snack and lunch and then bring it home for washing on weekends.
5. Kids leave a hand towel at school.
They use it to dry their hands after they wash them. They each have their own hook in the bathroom. When the weekend comes we do a load with the smock, the napkin, and the towel so we are ready to send them with her again on Monday.
6. The kids leave their own water bottle at school.
They fill up their bottles as they need them. Plastic disposable bottles are discouraged.
Yes, this is public school, but it's not just her school. I think most of the elementary schools in Trieste have similar routines.
These green details may be small gestures, but put them together and you create routines that can last a lifetime and make a real difference. Well done, School!
My sweetie is in first grade and here is how she's learning to live the green dream.
1. Kids wear a smock over their clothes.
In her school the girls and the boys wear the same color: dark blue. The kids know that when they put them on they are in SCHOOL and not at Home, or at Grandma's house, and they act accordingly. On a green level, they are protecting their clothes and therefore less washing needs to go on at home (and thank God for that, as most of us here have no dryer, also green, even if I still miss having one sometimes).
2. Kids bring slippers to school.
They have their outside shoes and their inside shoes. This keeps their classrooms and common areas cleaner, therefore less need for heavy-duty harsh chemicals.
3. Kids grow a garden with their teachers.
They have a little plot of land about a 5 minute walking distance from their school. They plant all kinds of goodies and get to see them grow. They also see where their food comes from and have the opportunity to see a project through its entire cycle. This week they are beginning their "Fruits and Vegetables" project. There is a dietician coming to meet with parents and explain how parents can support it at home. For now, we got a note reminding us to have lots of fruits and veggies on hand and talk about them with our kids.
4. Kids leave a cloth napkin at school.
They use it all week for their snack and lunch and then bring it home for washing on weekends.
5. Kids leave a hand towel at school.
They use it to dry their hands after they wash them. They each have their own hook in the bathroom. When the weekend comes we do a load with the smock, the napkin, and the towel so we are ready to send them with her again on Monday.
6. The kids leave their own water bottle at school.
They fill up their bottles as they need them. Plastic disposable bottles are discouraged.
Yes, this is public school, but it's not just her school. I think most of the elementary schools in Trieste have similar routines.
These green details may be small gestures, but put them together and you create routines that can last a lifetime and make a real difference. Well done, School!
Friday, January 20, 2017
Send the Kids Skiing!
There seems to be a stark contrast between parenting styles in Trieste.
On the one hand, there are the mothers who see themselves as combat soldiers in a constant struggle to defend their children against their tyrannical teachers who assign too much homework, and the schools that provide inadequately delicious food to fuel their children. They monitor their children's time, schedule them abundant play time so they can be children. They vow to never let their children ride the bus unaccompanied by an adult until at least 3rd year of Middle School and are the administrators of the parents' whatsapp group.
Then there's our group of parents from Little Sweety's first grade class. Case in point.
We get a little flyer one day about a ski class for the kids. Five saturdays from 6:30am to 6:30pm. Not much more info on the sheet than that, which is an invitation to call. So we did. And the information was the total price, and how to participate.
Simple:
1. Drop your kids off (with the skis they rent or buy ahead of time) in a big parking lot at 6:30a.m.
2. Fetch them at the end of the day.
3. If you give them 6 euros they can eat lunch.
4. Bus costs 12 euros total for one day.
No info on what they are supposed to bring, or what to wear (I have skiied twice in my life. Not an expert).
No form to fill out (oh yeah, we'll do that next week), no emergency numbers for any Just in Case situations. No possibility to pay (hah?) before the kids go to their first lesson, our babies, without us for a whole day.
Saturday morning the kids, who are a little nervous, hop on a giant bus with Slovenian licence plates that is (hopefully) heading to a place in Italy where people ski two hours away.
And all of this seems, like, Fine, at the moment of drop off.
And, frankly, ALL DAY as I got more stuff done than I can remember in recent history on a Saturday. Time flies, in fact, and since 6-year-olds don't have phones, we don't really have any updates, so it goes even faster!
The lady on the phone said they would be back between 6:15 and 6:30p.m..
It is 6:15 on the dot and we are waiting with the other parents in the parking lot. We exchange comments like Is this normal? Who are these people again? Do we have a phone number for them? Do they have ours?
I start to wonder if the over-protective mom-squad was right. What if they don't come back. What have I done.
Then, at 6:29 the bus rolls in, the kids get off, they are happy and bursting with energy. They see a patch of ice and immediately go and try to make snow balls out of it (we live in Italy, remember) and throw them at each other. The chaperones are cool as cucumbers. They say the kids were good. They mostly listened, only a couple of them got lost, but then they found them, so, yeah, it was a good day.
But... can we pay?
Well, we are really tired now, how about next week?
Awesome. Can't wait for next Saturday!
On the one hand, there are the mothers who see themselves as combat soldiers in a constant struggle to defend their children against their tyrannical teachers who assign too much homework, and the schools that provide inadequately delicious food to fuel their children. They monitor their children's time, schedule them abundant play time so they can be children. They vow to never let their children ride the bus unaccompanied by an adult until at least 3rd year of Middle School and are the administrators of the parents' whatsapp group.
Then there's our group of parents from Little Sweety's first grade class. Case in point.
We get a little flyer one day about a ski class for the kids. Five saturdays from 6:30am to 6:30pm. Not much more info on the sheet than that, which is an invitation to call. So we did. And the information was the total price, and how to participate.
Simple:
1. Drop your kids off (with the skis they rent or buy ahead of time) in a big parking lot at 6:30a.m.
2. Fetch them at the end of the day.
3. If you give them 6 euros they can eat lunch.
4. Bus costs 12 euros total for one day.
No info on what they are supposed to bring, or what to wear (I have skiied twice in my life. Not an expert).
No form to fill out (oh yeah, we'll do that next week), no emergency numbers for any Just in Case situations. No possibility to pay (hah?) before the kids go to their first lesson, our babies, without us for a whole day.
Saturday morning the kids, who are a little nervous, hop on a giant bus with Slovenian licence plates that is (hopefully) heading to a place in Italy where people ski two hours away.
And all of this seems, like, Fine, at the moment of drop off.
And, frankly, ALL DAY as I got more stuff done than I can remember in recent history on a Saturday. Time flies, in fact, and since 6-year-olds don't have phones, we don't really have any updates, so it goes even faster!
The lady on the phone said they would be back between 6:15 and 6:30p.m..
It is 6:15 on the dot and we are waiting with the other parents in the parking lot. We exchange comments like Is this normal? Who are these people again? Do we have a phone number for them? Do they have ours?
I start to wonder if the over-protective mom-squad was right. What if they don't come back. What have I done.
Then, at 6:29 the bus rolls in, the kids get off, they are happy and bursting with energy. They see a patch of ice and immediately go and try to make snow balls out of it (we live in Italy, remember) and throw them at each other. The chaperones are cool as cucumbers. They say the kids were good. They mostly listened, only a couple of them got lost, but then they found them, so, yeah, it was a good day.
But... can we pay?
Well, we are really tired now, how about next week?
Awesome. Can't wait for next Saturday!
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Great News in 2017 for us BUS PEOPLE
Exciting news from Trieste Trasporti. The price of an individual ticket has actually GONE DOWN, which is the first time in the History of the World that I have seen this happen (or at least in the last 13 years I have been living in Trieste. Once it stayed the same for two years, but this decrease is a first). The price will go down from 1.35 for an individual ticket (60minutes) to 1.25.
Second bit of news: Kids ride free with a valid ticket-holding adult up to the age of 10! Kids shorter than 1 meter (you measure this when you get on the bus at the front. There is a line there marked one meter) are always free.
The difference this year is that kids taller than one meter need to show a special I.D. card issued by Trieste Trasporti proving the age of the child. You can do this online for 5 euros, but if you go directly to the office and do it, it's free. I did not take the bus with my sweetie every day, but over the course of 2016 we still managed to spend 199.80 on Bus Tickets for my 6-year old. Yes, I keep track of these things (so you don't have to).
The price of year-long bus passes also stays the same this year. If you buy it online there is a 5% discount. You can pay with a credit card or, if you have an Italian bank with online banking, you can choose the "My Bank" option, insert the name of your bank and do it through home banking. That is what I just did. It cost me euro 326.33. I then request an invoice and send that over to my accountant and part of it gets written off.
Just wanted you to know!
FYI UPDATE FOR 2018. KIDS STILL GO FREE IF UNDER 10 AND TRAVELLING WITH AN ADULT. THEY MUST HAVE THE SPECIAL I.D. CARD.
Second bit of news: Kids ride free with a valid ticket-holding adult up to the age of 10! Kids shorter than 1 meter (you measure this when you get on the bus at the front. There is a line there marked one meter) are always free.
The difference this year is that kids taller than one meter need to show a special I.D. card issued by Trieste Trasporti proving the age of the child. You can do this online for 5 euros, but if you go directly to the office and do it, it's free. I did not take the bus with my sweetie every day, but over the course of 2016 we still managed to spend 199.80 on Bus Tickets for my 6-year old. Yes, I keep track of these things (so you don't have to).
The price of year-long bus passes also stays the same this year. If you buy it online there is a 5% discount. You can pay with a credit card or, if you have an Italian bank with online banking, you can choose the "My Bank" option, insert the name of your bank and do it through home banking. That is what I just did. It cost me euro 326.33. I then request an invoice and send that over to my accountant and part of it gets written off.
Just wanted you to know!
FYI UPDATE FOR 2018. KIDS STILL GO FREE IF UNDER 10 AND TRAVELLING WITH AN ADULT. THEY MUST HAVE THE SPECIAL I.D. CARD.
Friday, September 16, 2016
It's Time for the PROVA(s) Everyone!
September marks the beginning of a new academic year for those who teach, and those who study, not to mention the handlers parents of the latter. To celebrate, I thought we could have a moment to contemplate the wonders of CHOOSING AN AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITY to keep the kids out of our hair a couple of hours a week help our little sweeties grow and become conscientious, strong, independent Team Players.
Here is what you need to know.
Age 3-5: You have Ultimate Control. You know exactly what you are doing, because You are the Mom/Dad and You. Know. Best.
Activities at this age are bothAthletic Opportunities moments for socialisation and certain Success in Later Life Positive Experiences. Choose Wisely. In fact, this is your Last Chance to give your babies that oh-so-important competitive edge Sfogo that only Learning through Play can provide. It will also ensure they will Not go to State School like you did prepare them for a rich and varied cultural life. There is Music class, English time, etc. I mean, come on! Everyone knows that soon the window will be closing on your child becoming properly imprinted for Physical and Mentally Superbness.
Iand 98% of Triestine parents suggest swimming. Make sure you choose a pool the babysitter and/or Nonni can get to without complaining too much. The first two lessons are free. Your kid will enjoy the heck out of those and in some pools you can even watch your little seahorse and dream of Olympic grandeur at the same time! Lesson Three, when you have paid for an entire year in order to get a 5 euro discount, your kid will cry and carry on and you will hate yourself for the next three months until you become desensitised and hand over that screaming banshee without even batting an eye. Their problem now.
"See you in 45 minutes, Sweetie!!"
Age 6: You know what you want but all the other girls are doing Gymnastics (and the boys are doing Calcio)! You are powerless against the Triestine Forces of Conformity.
Social pressure becomes nearly unbearable when kids get to elementary school. This is when parents understand the Truth. We are not as all-powerful as we once thought. While we still control the pocket-book, we desperately want our children to love us, and this becomes increasingly difficult in the Triestine context unless you submit to the idea that:
"Children should be Happy" in their after-school activities,
and
"Children should not have too many activities so that they have time to play and be kids."
No more asserting your Will on the wee-ones without coming under direct scrutiny by your Triestine husband, the Triestine Nonnis, and the Triestine community at large. Find refuge with the other ex-pats who believe neither of those statements to be true as long as you have a Long-Term VISION for your child's future (which, of course, you DO).
However, this is a battle you cannot win.
You may have liked the Pool after two years of getting used to the routine, the ego-strokes of having your kid convocato to participate in competitions (which start at age 4 if your child is particularly *ahem* aquatic or has that certain, shall we say, aquacità ), but it is about to End.
She is done with the Pool. Hates it. Can't stand it. Too many laps. Too Boooooring.
To prove her point, she has spent the entire summer perfecting her cartwheels hundreds of times per day and doing handstands against her bedroom door just like her gymnastics-going friends showed her... and, while you HATE HATE HATE the idea of change when you KNOW all Great Athletes (not that this is important) started Very Young, you have to admit:
There may be some Potential here...
But. Where? Welcome to the mid-September Triestine parent rat-race! It is the season of the PROVA. Like at the swimming pool, there are two free lessons for your kids to Love before you plunk down the cash and they begin to hate it but you no longer care.
So, you start asking around because Everyone has an opinion about where you should take your kids to gymnastics. Basically you have to ask yourself these questions.
1. Do you want to create a champion?
2. Do you want something close to home?
3. Prefer something in Slovene?
4. Want something that is Not Quite the Best?
5. Is it important for your gym to be financially secure?
For any question that has particular meaning to you, there is a gym that is right for you. If you want to save time, however, just find out where her friends are planning on doing the Prova and piggy-back along with them.
The kids will fall in love with the same place, anyway (so you could skip the prova in theory, but that is pretty courageous), so that's one headache less. Actual lessons will begin in October. It will be a twice-a-week commitment until school gets out. It will be at the worst time ever for your schedule, but at least you can carpool.
It is no longer about your hopes and dreams (which are crushed by now anyway) but rather what her friends are doing and logistics.
And, in the end, that is okay, too.
Here is what you need to know.
Age 3-5: You have Ultimate Control. You know exactly what you are doing, because You are the Mom/Dad and You. Know. Best.
Activities at this age are both
I
"See you in 45 minutes, Sweetie!!"
Age 6: You know what you want but all the other girls are doing Gymnastics (and the boys are doing Calcio)! You are powerless against the Triestine Forces of Conformity.
Social pressure becomes nearly unbearable when kids get to elementary school. This is when parents understand the Truth. We are not as all-powerful as we once thought. While we still control the pocket-book, we desperately want our children to love us, and this becomes increasingly difficult in the Triestine context unless you submit to the idea that:
"Children should be Happy" in their after-school activities,
and
"Children should not have too many activities so that they have time to play and be kids."
No more asserting your Will on the wee-ones without coming under direct scrutiny by your Triestine husband, the Triestine Nonnis, and the Triestine community at large. Find refuge with the other ex-pats who believe neither of those statements to be true as long as you have a Long-Term VISION for your child's future (which, of course, you DO).
However, this is a battle you cannot win.
You may have liked the Pool after two years of getting used to the routine, the ego-strokes of having your kid convocato to participate in competitions (which start at age 4 if your child is particularly *ahem* aquatic or has that certain, shall we say, aquacità ), but it is about to End.
She is done with the Pool. Hates it. Can't stand it. Too many laps. Too Boooooring.
To prove her point, she has spent the entire summer perfecting her cartwheels hundreds of times per day and doing handstands against her bedroom door just like her gymnastics-going friends showed her... and, while you HATE HATE HATE the idea of change when you KNOW all Great Athletes (not that this is important) started Very Young, you have to admit:
There may be some Potential here...
But. Where? Welcome to the mid-September Triestine parent rat-race! It is the season of the PROVA. Like at the swimming pool, there are two free lessons for your kids to Love before you plunk down the cash and they begin to hate it but you no longer care.
So, you start asking around because Everyone has an opinion about where you should take your kids to gymnastics. Basically you have to ask yourself these questions.
1. Do you want to create a champion?
2. Do you want something close to home?
3. Prefer something in Slovene?
4. Want something that is Not Quite the Best?
5. Is it important for your gym to be financially secure?
For any question that has particular meaning to you, there is a gym that is right for you. If you want to save time, however, just find out where her friends are planning on doing the Prova and piggy-back along with them.
The kids will fall in love with the same place, anyway (so you could skip the prova in theory, but that is pretty courageous), so that's one headache less. Actual lessons will begin in October. It will be a twice-a-week commitment until school gets out. It will be at the worst time ever for your schedule, but at least you can carpool.
It is no longer about your hopes and dreams (which are crushed by now anyway) but rather what her friends are doing and logistics.
And, in the end, that is okay, too.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Raising Bi-Lingual Kids Is Not Easy
This is a pretty vast subject. Let's start the discussion anyway.
It was my hope and desire that my kid would grow up bilingual. To prepare for this, here is what I did.
1. I spoke to her in English from the womb on.
2. I insisted.
3. I read to her lots of books in English.
4. I went to the States at least once a year.
5. I hung out with English-speaking people.
And, guess what. Italian STILL won. I knew this was normal on some level, but deep down, I felt like this was a sort of early rebellion on her part. Sure, she understood what I was saying, but she answered in Italian. Like a dagger through the heart EVERY time. But I did not let on. No.
Instead, I:
1. Acknowledged her, even if she spoke to me in Italian.
2. Answered in English.
3. Died quietly on the inside and pretended it was no big deal on the outside.
3. Tried not to let her know that it was important to me.
4. Pretended not to hear the snide comments from parents of my English students saying "Well, even the Director's kid doesn't speak English, so ours are ok!!"
I, like lots of people in the same situation, concluded that she was a little, how shall we say, Linguistically Lazy.
So I decided to get tough.
I wanted to change her perspective, get her to think that English was easy, that it was part of her. I had to somehow displace Italian, take it out of the equation without taking it out of the equation.
I had the perfect solution.
Slovene Pre-School. I had other reasons to put her there, too. Like the fact that my mother-in-law is from the Slovene minority. I justified it that way, and that we were STEALING BACK the language that was stolen from my husband because they spoke Italian at home.
It worked for lots of other reasons, even if it didn't make her speak English.
It put her in touch with other bi-lingual kids, for example. It made her feel like English WAS part of her precisely because she didn't feel Slovenian.
But then I realized I was wrong.
She wasn't lazy. She just couldn't form the words in English. I found this out one day when I got frustrated with her for asking me for AQUA instead of water.
I made her repeat the longest sentence in English I could think of that would be asking for water politely.
MOMMY MAY I PLEASE HAVE A GLASS OF WATER PLEASE?!
I think I scared her, because she repeated it. But it came out as a strange garbled thing that did not resemble my sentence at all.
That was when I realized the problem was something else entirely.
From that moment on I changed approach. I listened to her in Italian, answered her in English, and then I said her sentence again in English. After a few times she started to repeat. Then within about two weeks she was speaking. Something about that no-pressure practice time unblocked her. She has been an English chatterbox ever since.
I am happy I put her in Slovene school. She is finishing her third year of pre-school now and getting ready for first grade. She is fluent in three languages. She found a way to belong to all three of them somehow and is really proud of what she can do.
I am, too.
The reason I mention this is that I want you to know that if your kid answers you in her dominant language (and it is not English), she probably isn't lazy. She may just need a little more help forming the words.
I hope this helps.
Don't give up. Remember, it only takes one generation to lose a language forever. In most cases, it is the mother's language.
This is another fun page to read on the subject. The comments are so interesting!
It was my hope and desire that my kid would grow up bilingual. To prepare for this, here is what I did.
1. I spoke to her in English from the womb on.
2. I insisted.
3. I read to her lots of books in English.
4. I went to the States at least once a year.
5. I hung out with English-speaking people.
And, guess what. Italian STILL won. I knew this was normal on some level, but deep down, I felt like this was a sort of early rebellion on her part. Sure, she understood what I was saying, but she answered in Italian. Like a dagger through the heart EVERY time. But I did not let on. No.
Instead, I:
1. Acknowledged her, even if she spoke to me in Italian.
2. Answered in English.
3. Died quietly on the inside and pretended it was no big deal on the outside.
3. Tried not to let her know that it was important to me.
4. Pretended not to hear the snide comments from parents of my English students saying "Well, even the Director's kid doesn't speak English, so ours are ok!!"
I, like lots of people in the same situation, concluded that she was a little, how shall we say, Linguistically Lazy.
So I decided to get tough.
I wanted to change her perspective, get her to think that English was easy, that it was part of her. I had to somehow displace Italian, take it out of the equation without taking it out of the equation.
I had the perfect solution.
Slovene Pre-School. I had other reasons to put her there, too. Like the fact that my mother-in-law is from the Slovene minority. I justified it that way, and that we were STEALING BACK the language that was stolen from my husband because they spoke Italian at home.
It worked for lots of other reasons, even if it didn't make her speak English.
It put her in touch with other bi-lingual kids, for example. It made her feel like English WAS part of her precisely because she didn't feel Slovenian.
But then I realized I was wrong.
She wasn't lazy. She just couldn't form the words in English. I found this out one day when I got frustrated with her for asking me for AQUA instead of water.
I made her repeat the longest sentence in English I could think of that would be asking for water politely.
MOMMY MAY I PLEASE HAVE A GLASS OF WATER PLEASE?!
I think I scared her, because she repeated it. But it came out as a strange garbled thing that did not resemble my sentence at all.
That was when I realized the problem was something else entirely.
From that moment on I changed approach. I listened to her in Italian, answered her in English, and then I said her sentence again in English. After a few times she started to repeat. Then within about two weeks she was speaking. Something about that no-pressure practice time unblocked her. She has been an English chatterbox ever since.
I am happy I put her in Slovene school. She is finishing her third year of pre-school now and getting ready for first grade. She is fluent in three languages. She found a way to belong to all three of them somehow and is really proud of what she can do.
I am, too.
The reason I mention this is that I want you to know that if your kid answers you in her dominant language (and it is not English), she probably isn't lazy. She may just need a little more help forming the words.
I hope this helps.
Don't give up. Remember, it only takes one generation to lose a language forever. In most cases, it is the mother's language.
This is another fun page to read on the subject. The comments are so interesting!
Monday, May 2, 2016
Italian Birthday Parties
Here is what you need to know if your kid is in Pre-School (I will update you next year for the rules on Elementary).
1. Once your kid enters Scuola Materna,it is all over for you you have officially entered the "Party Circuit."
2. You are expected to go to your kid's birthday parties and stay the entire time.
3. There are a lot of parties.
4. Normally the entire class is invited.
5. Yes, your time will come!
Survival Guide
If you are new in town or at the school, we suggest you go to the parties your kid is invited to. This will help your kid integrate and you can meet other parents, who may actually be nice people. The first year this is especially important. Making friends with other parents means you can occasionally help each other out (you are on a business trip, need a playdate until daddy gets there, that kind of thing). These can be very valuable relationships, particularly if you do not speak the language, or need some help navigating "The System."
Italians are social animals, and they are a high-context culture, which means they read into EVERYTHING and actually find MEANING in things that we can't even begin to understand. Imagine a whole country that sees the world and interprets it like (I was as) a teenage girl. Not going to parties can send a message that you are too good for them or snobby. (The same goes for that morning coffee at work with your colleagues. Don't skip it!!).
Every class has a handful of people who love organizing a group gift. This is great for you! Let someone else buy the present. You can pay them at the party.
The Best Part about Italian Birthday Parties:
You may luck out like we did! Since we put my daughter in a Slovenian school (in Italy), many of the birthday parties we go to are at Osmizzas (woo hoo! The Parents make wine!!) and there is a party within the party-- the kids run around like wild hellions in the courtyard, and the parents sip on terrano wine and chow down on homemade cold cuts and cheese while looking the other way. This is great for those of us whose party wings have been clipped since entering into parenthood!
Last week we went to a party in Repen and there were HORSES for the kids to ride. Not only that, at some point an elderly couple walked by with a couple of the biggest cows I had ever seen. The kids acted as if it were planned by the birthday girl's parents and followed the cows down the street until they realized they were just neighbors walking home after letting their cows hang out on some pasture in the area. Where were the parents, you ask? What kind of traffic can there be with two cows in the street anyway? Back to the wine!
When it is YOUR turn to host:
You may want to find a kid with a birthday around the same time and double up. Other parents will thank you and you can share the expenses. The more the merrier. Hopefully the person you are sharing with has already thought of everything.
Here is what is on the menu, just so you know.
Food
Potato Chips
Cocktail weenies wrapped in some kind of puffed pastry
Baked Ham or cured prosciutto, Cheese, bread
Pizza that someone's mom made or mini round pizzas from the bakery
Open-faced Nutella sandwiches
Drinks
Wine & Beer for the parents
Water
Coke (which all kids will take and then complain that it is too spicy and parents will add water to it)
Orange soda
Juice (that no one will drink)
The Cake
No simple sheet cakes here, no Siree! The cake here is a creamy affair with pudding and whipped something or other, a shot of rum, and a small layer of actual cake. And it is SHOCKINGLY EXPENSIVE and sold by weight. The bakery will recommend you feed each kid a minimum of 5 kilos each and make you feel like the worst parent in the world if you don't (the kids will take one half bite and give the other 4.9999999999 kilos to you and you will finish it because you know how much it cost).
There is one cake per (birthday) kid (you are responsible for ordering the one for your kid and getting it to the venue responsibly). The insulated styrofoam box you transport it in is going to set you back 50 euros as a deposit that you will get back as soon as you return it back to the bakery.
Your party should be after lunch and will last until about dinner time. So put the start time.
3pm, but no need to put the end time, because everyone knows the party is over when the cake comes out...
...unless the party is in an osmizza, in which case the party is over when the Red wine is all gone and the pitcher stops getting filled up.
Then it is time to go.
1. Once your kid enters Scuola Materna,
2. You are expected to go to your kid's birthday parties and stay the entire time.
3. There are a lot of parties.
4. Normally the entire class is invited.
5. Yes, your time will come!
Survival Guide
If you are new in town or at the school, we suggest you go to the parties your kid is invited to. This will help your kid integrate and you can meet other parents, who may actually be nice people. The first year this is especially important. Making friends with other parents means you can occasionally help each other out (you are on a business trip, need a playdate until daddy gets there, that kind of thing). These can be very valuable relationships, particularly if you do not speak the language, or need some help navigating "The System."
Italians are social animals, and they are a high-context culture, which means they read into EVERYTHING and actually find MEANING in things that we can't even begin to understand. Imagine a whole country that sees the world and interprets it like (I was as) a teenage girl. Not going to parties can send a message that you are too good for them or snobby. (The same goes for that morning coffee at work with your colleagues. Don't skip it!!).
Every class has a handful of people who love organizing a group gift. This is great for you! Let someone else buy the present. You can pay them at the party.
The Best Part about Italian Birthday Parties:
You may luck out like we did! Since we put my daughter in a Slovenian school (in Italy), many of the birthday parties we go to are at Osmizzas (woo hoo! The Parents make wine!!) and there is a party within the party-- the kids run around like wild hellions in the courtyard, and the parents sip on terrano wine and chow down on homemade cold cuts and cheese while looking the other way. This is great for those of us whose party wings have been clipped since entering into parenthood!
Last week we went to a party in Repen and there were HORSES for the kids to ride. Not only that, at some point an elderly couple walked by with a couple of the biggest cows I had ever seen. The kids acted as if it were planned by the birthday girl's parents and followed the cows down the street until they realized they were just neighbors walking home after letting their cows hang out on some pasture in the area. Where were the parents, you ask? What kind of traffic can there be with two cows in the street anyway? Back to the wine!
When it is YOUR turn to host:
You may want to find a kid with a birthday around the same time and double up. Other parents will thank you and you can share the expenses. The more the merrier. Hopefully the person you are sharing with has already thought of everything.
Here is what is on the menu, just so you know.
Food
Potato Chips
Cocktail weenies wrapped in some kind of puffed pastry
Baked Ham or cured prosciutto, Cheese, bread
Pizza that someone's mom made or mini round pizzas from the bakery
Open-faced Nutella sandwiches
Drinks
Wine & Beer for the parents
Water
Coke (which all kids will take and then complain that it is too spicy and parents will add water to it)
Orange soda
Juice (that no one will drink)
The Cake
No simple sheet cakes here, no Siree! The cake here is a creamy affair with pudding and whipped something or other, a shot of rum, and a small layer of actual cake. And it is SHOCKINGLY EXPENSIVE and sold by weight. The bakery will recommend you feed each kid a minimum of 5 kilos each and make you feel like the worst parent in the world if you don't (the kids will take one half bite and give the other 4.9999999999 kilos to you and you will finish it because you know how much it cost).
There is one cake per (birthday) kid (you are responsible for ordering the one for your kid and getting it to the venue responsibly). The insulated styrofoam box you transport it in is going to set you back 50 euros as a deposit that you will get back as soon as you return it back to the bakery.
Your party should be after lunch and will last until about dinner time. So put the start time.
3pm, but no need to put the end time, because everyone knows the party is over when the cake comes out...
...unless the party is in an osmizza, in which case the party is over when the Red wine is all gone and the pitcher stops getting filled up.
Then it is time to go.
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