Trail Running for Dummies

I could write that book because I am the Dummy.

Chapter 1 working title: "Sign up for an impossible run in the mountains and hope that your fear will make you run again."

The content would explain how to have your husband (who is in much better shape than you because he has a running group he runs with every weekend) sign you up for a SKY RACE (yes, that means exactly what it sounds like: RUNNING IN THE GD SKY, as in UP A FRIGGIN' MOUNTAIN for 12 kilometers and down for two!!) that will take place exactly MUCH sooner than any decent training plan can prepare you for (especially if you have done essentially no running since about, say, 2014).

Chapter 2. Run for Two Weeks and then Have Someone in the Family (not you) Catch the Flu and then Use that as a Convenient Excuse to Stop Running again COMPLETELY.

No content here, the title says it all. (Don't mention the fact that the Flu Sufferer started training again as soon as the fever went down-- besides the point).

Chapter 3.  (Guilt sets in,we must have full disclosure) Flu Sufferer Goes Back to Training, but NOT YOU!

Chapter 4. Race Day

Learn an hour before the start that the trail is completely covered in snow and that you will have to BUY and WEAR metal spikes that stretch over your running shoes or you will do the entire downhill part of the race on your BUTT.

Chapter 5. Starting place.

The group of participants is actually small enough and professional-looking enough that you will most probably finish last (which is your destiny you big fat loser!!). This is what true mountain people/ultra marathon habitués look like. Enjoy the view and get ready to fake an injury before the starting gun.

Chapter 6. Find Out They Won't Give you that Kick Ass Race Pack Unless you Actually Start the Race.

Don't play dead just yet.

Chapter 7. You May not Finish Last After All, but Please Finish!

There are a couple of slow pokes you can easily pass on the way up (walking mostly with no energy for deep complaining). The man with the prosthetic leg is ahead of you, but clearly he is an incredible athlete, so just get over it.

Chapter 8. Mountains Scare you and That is OK!

Get to the top, down some shitty cookies, slam a hot tea and start going down. Go mostly sideways, make a little squeak/scream with every slip/step. Admit that you are a flatlander, let the phony slowpokes pass you. Eat their snowy dust. Don't let it get to you.

Chapter 9. Don't Listen to the Kilometer Marker Dudes.

They always say You're Almost There!! They are totally lying. Tune them out.

Chapter 10.  Finish the Damn Thing, 

Get the hell out of town and hope you never see these people again. Take 3 ibuprofen before your legs (which have not been communicating with your brain for about 5 kilometers) even feel the pain. 

Chapter 11. Take a Red-Faced Selfie and Facebook it like you Won it!!  

The End.